Rant Warning … Why can’t these guys keep their zippers up?

I’m not naive enough to say that women never do this, but the fact is that the VAST majority of people charged with sexual abuse (of any kind) against children are men. What is it with these men and their need for gratification at the expense of our children?  Their inability to control their impulses for instant gratification without thought to the effect on the child and their families … following their “little heads” around with total  disregard for the collateral damage forced on THEIR OWN families – their wives, their kids?

Never mind the “big coaches”  and other public figures … there have been at least four if not five or six more men “in the news” over the last week doing simply gross and despicable things to children.  I just don’t get it.  Pedophiles. I get nauseated every time I hear about yet another incident.

During another lifetime in 1983 .. 30 years ago .. my first husband (and my kid’s father) came to me one day in yet another deep depression (I now believe he was bi-polar though it was not something diagnosed in those days) and told me he had done something so bad he couldn’t even admit it to me.  A month later he was put on administrative leave from his position as a police officer for the purpose of an internal investigation of two counts of lewd acts against a child.  Our neighbor’s children. At that moment, when it all became public, our entire lives changed in a multitude of negative ways.

Our children were pulled out of their classes at their elementary school and questioned (without my knowledge or permission) about whether their father had touched them or if they knew anything about, or were a part of, what had transpired in our living room.  The social worker concluded that there was no reason to remove them from our home but was very clear with me that had there been any reason to believe they were involved that, unless I agreed to remove them from living with their father, they would have been removed from our home and put in protective custody.

Our neighbors stopped talking to us and, in fact, shunned us.  They would not let their children play with our children.  The other children taunted our children.  He was ultimately charged with 1 count of felony child abuse.  Part of the “bargain” to drop the other charge was him leaving the state.  When he moved to look for work, I moved with my children to the same apartment building my parents lived in and put our home (townhouse) on the market.  I went on an indefinite stress leave at the urging of my doctor.  What had been our home for 5 years sold quickly and we moved too.  My kids lost again because they were torn away from my parents, the only after school care they had ever known. My parents were devastated by the loss of their grandchildren and by the irreparable breach of trust by this man.

He was ultimately convicted and served one week in prison in a special “white collar/low risk” area – the kids never knew the real reason for his week away nor was “the situation” ever discussed with them because of his shame.  He got a license as a process server before his conviction – otherwise he would never have gotten it.  It was the only “job” he ever had after that.  His own business.  He lost the right to participate with his son in scouts or in any activity involving kids.  He was on unsupervised probation – but we couldn’t leave the state without checking in.  I never had any doubt that for him this was a one-time thing and was assured of this by his psychiatrist but our relationship and his relationship with his children suffered because of his own immense guilt and disappointment in himself.  His already low self esteem plummeted even further.  He had anger management issues … and was borderline physically and verbally abusive.
He died in 1992 of a heart attack. He wasn’t feeling well the day before but refused to go to the doctor.  He, in my mind, took his own life in a way by refusing to get medical attention.

Both of my children (now 36 and 40) have had lifetimes of emotional issues … my daughter got into drugs for a few years in high school, got herself out of it, but has fought addiction problems her whole life.  My son finally about 5 years ago started coming to terms with the questions about his dad and his growing up and has been in intensive therapy since.  Both are on mood stabilizers and antidepressants.

You men – you fathers, husbands, sons out there who think that inappropriate sexual gratification is going to fill that black hole in your soul … it’s not.  You destroy the lives of so many people by your unspeakable and despicable actions.

You ruin lives …. why can’t you just keep your freeking zippers up? Leave our children alone.


2 thoughts on “Rant Warning … Why can’t these guys keep their zippers up?

  1. Thank you, Nadine … I have always felt such sadness and love for both families involved … it’s true what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger …and yet this was one of those experiences in our lives that I wouldn’t have wish on anyone.

    And I’ll never understand the thought process that drives individuals commit these dispicable acts.


  2. This is a story seldom shared, and I thank you for doing so. When we hear of a pedophile being arrested, we don’t think of the ramifications for that individual’s family. In many cases the pedophile comes across as a model citizen. What a horrible thing for you and your children to have to go through! It’s hard enough for adults to handle — but for your children to have had their young lives so disrupted because of the sick act of a person who was supposed to shelter and protect them — that just saddens me deeply.

    Hugs to you. Thanks for being so brave with this powerful post.


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