Sunday there was a committee meeting … all morning … in my head and in my gut. I hate those committee meetings … what I call my style of anxiety attacks. I couldn’t even figure out what triggered it … or what to do about it. Thank Goddess the chairperson finally adjourned the meeting … somewhere along the line.
The agenda went something like this …
1) Is he upset about something and is waiting to talk to me about it?
2) Why won’t my son in New York call me back? Is he upset with me? Is there something wrong in his life that he can’t talk to me about? Is his new job going ok? Are he and his wife having problems?
3) How can I help my daughter slow her own racing mind down? Is she seeing her ex husband again? I know the creep wants back in her life.
4) Are we ever going to figure out what is going on with my 13-year old possibly autistic/bi-polar/schizo-something/oppositional defiance disorder grandson? Is he going to hurt himself or someone else?
5) What if I lose my job again? How am I going to carry my share and help my daughter? Why can’t I lose this 35 lbs I’ve gained over the last 4 years? I’m starting to feel like a failure again.
6) Am I doing enough to help hubby with his business? Am I keeping the house clean enough?
And on and on and on …
My reality is that it’s all “in my head” – life is good, I know the answers to most of these things I question about myself. It’s just that every now and then I fall into a self-sabotaging mode. And as I sat in the car on Sunday morning, anxiety gripping at my chest and gut – from somewhere deep inside came that voice … STOP! Stop this insane meeting of all your insecurities.
1 & 6) There was nothing going on with hubby – we were both a little tired and he was just quiet, waking up as we were driving a couple of hours away to do some jobs for his business. I’d just spent Saturday doing domestic chores with his help … it’s all ok.
2) I don’t have to talk to my son every week – they live in NYC, he is dealing with a new job (thank goodness they were unscathed by Hurricane Sandy so they are truly ok) – the time he and my daughter in law is limited so after jobs they are probably doing what we all do – being busy with their lives
3) My daughter’s therapists are dealing with her medical issues – she is in good hands and I know in my heart regardless of how much her creep/abuser ex husband tries, he will never get back into her life.
4) There is an amazing team of mental health professionals working with my grandson, his school, my daughter and my grandson’s father to figure out what is going on in his head and how to best help him cope with life ….
My job is not to FIX 3 and 4, it is to be there to be there for them and cheer them on and to help in any way I can.
5) If the owner of the venue where I’m working (and LOVING working) decides to sell it (which he may…) I will be fine – I have a loving, supportive husband and all will be well. And I will lose the 30 lbs I need to lose. I just need to get my head out of my “committee” and refocus.
Old habits/behaviours die hard – I spent the greater part of my adult life believing that I have to be everything to everybody ….. fix everything …. take on full responsibility for everything/body. We don’t have to do that, do we?
And the other thing I realized is that these Committee meetings? I think I seriously need to get back to holding them here … getting all that stuff out of my head and onto “paper” as it were. I know I’m not the only one dealing with these kind of issues. Life is always ups and downs. My problem is that when things stay “up” for too long, I start wondering when they will all fall “down” ….
Damn that Committee! And I’m happy to be back here –
Meeting adjourned …