Ex’s Listen Up! It’s Only The Kids That Lose.

  1. You’ve been divorced by your choice for near a decade – your children are 20-somethings – you’ve moved on and are in another long-term relationship.  Your daughter with him graduated from university yesterday and yet you were incapable of letting her take just one photo with her mom and dad.  She wanted to.  Her dad was fine with it – you refused.  She was sad.  But it was, of course, all about you.
                       Obviously not “our family”
    So there were two graduation celebrations – the one Friday at your house, and the one Saturday at ours.  And you demanded her time yesterday morning when she was getting ready at his house for her graduation because he would have the rest of the day (yes, it was Father’s day).  I’m sure if you had your way, there would have been two separate graduation ceremonies – one for you without him there.  All about you.  We could have all celebrated together at a restaurant (neutral territory) and thought about her feelings on her day.
    What are you going to do, Mother, when she gets married (which is on the horizon)?  Are you going to refuse her the joy of a photo with her parents then?  Are you going to refuse to come to the wedding if he’s there?  Are you going to make that all about you?
    What are you going to do when she has her babies?  Are you going to refuse to be there if he’s there?  Are you going to deprive her of the joy of both of her parents being present at the birth of your grandchildren?  Are you going to make her choose?  But, of course, it’s all about you.
    I don’t get it.  Why are some parents so hostile that they can never let go of the ill will towards another parent?  There was no domestic violence or abuse of any kind.  You decided you didn’t want to be married to him any more.  You still refuse to speak to him, much less be in the same room.
    Is it just me? Am I the crazy one?  I think not.  I am still friends with my ex – and am still close with his children AND his ex-wife (his kid’s mother).  We just couldn’t be married any longer.  My daughter and ex-son in law totally realize why they are not married any more, but they are incredible at co-parenting.  Always on the same page.  They do joint celebrations of all sorts about the kids with all of his family and all of ours – together – in the same space – celebrating the children.  They have joint family meetings so the kids know they are both on the same page.  Ex son in law’s parents are divorced – they both join in on all the celebrations – with their new spouses.  It can be done!
    You are forgetting the most important thing of all – so much bigger than your ego and pride – you are hurting your daughter far more than you realize.  You don’t see her pain – we do.   And some day soon, you will do the same thing with your son.  Go ahead, be so small minded that you are okay with taking away from their joy.
    Please don’t – please realize you must make these joyful life passages about them – celebrate them as mother and father – you don’t have to like him – but you can be civil. You can be in the same room at the same time and actually enjoy yourself.   All too soon these wonderful experiences will be done.  You or he will no longer be in their lives – don’t deprive them of precious memories because you haven’t grown up and moved on.
    And believe it or not,
    Namaste – I still honor you.  You did a hell of a job in HELPING raise her to be the amazing young woman she is.
    Itty Bitty

Gun Control – Do The Rights of a Few Overshadow the Rights of Many?

I watched Meet The Press this morning (which I seem to be doing more and more lately for some reason) … it was focusing on the current Sandy Hook tragedy – and related conversations about gun control and mental health, etc.

Now I am, most assuredly and admittedly, a nobody … just one itty bitty voicing my opinion …. but feeling compelled to do so because … enough is enough!

I personally do not own a gun.  Never have, don’t care to. That’s my choice.  I have no problem with others choice to own firearms … my children’s father was a police officer, there were always weapons around the house.  My grandfather was a deer hunter. My adult children each own a handgun.  My teenaged grandsons each have a shotgun gifted to them by their paternal grandfather which he keeps locked in a gun safe at his house for them to use when they are there.  Highly supervised.  It is our constitutional right to bear arms. Absolutely.   I also feel it is reasonable and necessary for there to be limitations on the KIND of arms we, as private citizens, have the right to bear.  The Supreme Court says that you can have reasonable limitations on the right to bear arms.

What I am absolutely, 100% against is the necessity of a private citizen to own military-type assault and automatic weapons.  These are not designed for “self protection” … they are not designed for “hunting/gathering of food” … they are specifically designed to kill people.  They are, indeed, by virtue of being automatic, rapid fire, large clip …. simply weapons of mass destruction with no other purpose than killing another human being. There is absolutely no justification for these types of “arms” to be available in any capacity other than for military combat.

Some of the paraphrased comments from Meet The Press this morning that resonated with me follow …

  • President Obama’s comment was restated … We need to come together and take meaningful action to avoid another tragedy like this without politics.  (I would add and without agenda)
  • NYC Mayor Bloomberg said, every time these tragedies happen, someone says now is not the time …. and someone also says if you would have taken action this wouldn’t have happened.  (NOW is the time to take action … not later …)  The NRA‘s #1 objective was to defeat Obama.  He won comfortably.  The myth that the NRA can destroy political careers is just not true. (While the NRA has a place in our society, they also need to realize that just because people feel they want to bear military-style assault weapons, it does not mean they have the RIGHT to, or it is the right thing to do.)  If congress were not so afraid of NRA,if they were to stand up and do whats right for America, we would all be better off. (I don’t believe the NRA is as omnipotent as it thinks it is)
  • Gun owners have even spoken – many think an assault weapons ban makes sense in this day and age but the NRA is never willing to have any restrictions whatsoever regardless of how reasonable it may be.
  • There have been 31 school shootings since Columbine yet there has there been no change in gun laws.
  • The more freedom we as a society have, the  more abuse of freedom there is.  (The epitome of “entitlement”?)
  • Rupert Murdock recently twittered: “When will politicians find courage to ban automatic weapons?”  (How about NOW?)

And one recently-released incredulous fact about the mother of the shooter at Sandy Hook … she was a gun enthusiast.  She most legally bought the 9 mm Sig Sauer handgun, 9 mm  Glock handgun, and the .223 caliber Bushmaster assault rifle that was recovered at the school.  She purportedly bought them for self-protection.  She purportedly took her acknowledged mentally and behavioral disabled son to the shooting range and encouraged him to shoot because he enjoyed it.  As it turns out, these weapons were obviously left accessible to him, at least on Friday, December 14.

As the grandmother of a 13-year old emotionally disturbed child, who in his 7th grade year has suddenly started threatening classmates and himself, the ONE CERTAIN THING is that every possible (obvious) weapon has been removed or locked up.  That includes a gun safe at his father’s house being removed from there to another location. Locks on knife drawers.  Locks on bedroom doors where there may be harmful drugs stored.  He is never left unsupervised.  It is just what you do.  Every time.

I wonder what that mother was thinking?  Did she really need two automatic handguns and an assault rifle to protect her home?

Are you at that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH point on reasonable gun limitations?  If you are, I implore you to become active.

A fellow blogger friend, Sharon Greenthal, posted a blog this morning,  The Sandy Hook Massacre and Gun Control: What You Can Do To Help .  Please read it and do whatever you can.  It is far past time to stop this insanity!

Namaste – I honor you –

Itty Bitty Boomer

Rant Warning … Why can’t these guys keep their zippers up?

I’m not naive enough to say that women never do this, but the fact is that the VAST majority of people charged with sexual abuse (of any kind) against children are men. What is it with these men and their need for gratification at the expense of our children?  Their inability to control their impulses for instant gratification without thought to the effect on the child and their families … following their “little heads” around with total  disregard for the collateral damage forced on THEIR OWN families – their wives, their kids?

Never mind the “big coaches”  and other public figures … there have been at least four if not five or six more men “in the news” over the last week doing simply gross and despicable things to children.  I just don’t get it.  Pedophiles. I get nauseated every time I hear about yet another incident.

During another lifetime in 1983 .. 30 years ago .. my first husband (and my kid’s father) came to me one day in yet another deep depression (I now believe he was bi-polar though it was not something diagnosed in those days) and told me he had done something so bad he couldn’t even admit it to me.  A month later he was put on administrative leave from his position as a police officer for the purpose of an internal investigation of two counts of lewd acts against a child.  Our neighbor’s children. At that moment, when it all became public, our entire lives changed in a multitude of negative ways.

Our children were pulled out of their classes at their elementary school and questioned (without my knowledge or permission) about whether their father had touched them or if they knew anything about, or were a part of, what had transpired in our living room.  The social worker concluded that there was no reason to remove them from our home but was very clear with me that had there been any reason to believe they were involved that, unless I agreed to remove them from living with their father, they would have been removed from our home and put in protective custody.

Our neighbors stopped talking to us and, in fact, shunned us.  They would not let their children play with our children.  The other children taunted our children.  He was ultimately charged with 1 count of felony child abuse.  Part of the “bargain” to drop the other charge was him leaving the state.  When he moved to look for work, I moved with my children to the same apartment building my parents lived in and put our home (townhouse) on the market.  I went on an indefinite stress leave at the urging of my doctor.  What had been our home for 5 years sold quickly and we moved too.  My kids lost again because they were torn away from my parents, the only after school care they had ever known. My parents were devastated by the loss of their grandchildren and by the irreparable breach of trust by this man.

He was ultimately convicted and served one week in prison in a special “white collar/low risk” area – the kids never knew the real reason for his week away nor was “the situation” ever discussed with them because of his shame.  He got a license as a process server before his conviction – otherwise he would never have gotten it.  It was the only “job” he ever had after that.  His own business.  He lost the right to participate with his son in scouts or in any activity involving kids.  He was on unsupervised probation – but we couldn’t leave the state without checking in.  I never had any doubt that for him this was a one-time thing and was assured of this by his psychiatrist but our relationship and his relationship with his children suffered because of his own immense guilt and disappointment in himself.  His already low self esteem plummeted even further.  He had anger management issues … and was borderline physically and verbally abusive.
He died in 1992 of a heart attack. He wasn’t feeling well the day before but refused to go to the doctor.  He, in my mind, took his own life in a way by refusing to get medical attention.

Both of my children (now 36 and 40) have had lifetimes of emotional issues … my daughter got into drugs for a few years in high school, got herself out of it, but has fought addiction problems her whole life.  My son finally about 5 years ago started coming to terms with the questions about his dad and his growing up and has been in intensive therapy since.  Both are on mood stabilizers and antidepressants.

You men – you fathers, husbands, sons out there who think that inappropriate sexual gratification is going to fill that black hole in your soul … it’s not.  You destroy the lives of so many people by your unspeakable and despicable actions.

You ruin lives …. why can’t you just keep your freeking zippers up? Leave our children alone.