Living In Three Worlds …


“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”
~ Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

This quote has been sitting in my draft files for about two months now.  I so love what it says – and today while looking through my drafts it hit me.  At this particular time in my life, with where I am physically, emotionally, intellectually … this quote says it ALL.

I am currently living in THREE worlds – how odd does that sound? But it’s true.

World 1 – Mom

My son and I moved into an apartment in mid-June so that I can help him manage his bi-polar disorder in a quiet and de-stressed environment to the  point he/we can manage his anxiety levels.   He doesn’t do well in solitary situations – goes to very dark, depressed places – or I would not necessarily be with him, but would likely subsidize him living on his own.  At almost 40, he doesn’t want to be living with mom, but acknowledges and accepts graciously that he needs the emotional support.

World 2 – Wife

I spend a night or two at my husband’s (not my son’s father) home each week, and meet him for dinner or after work drinks when my son is working the evening shift.  I love my husband, and he is trying very hard to be understanding of the need for me to be with my son.  The two of them living under the same roof did not work.  My husband’s inability to fathom the ramifications of bi-polar disorder and anxiety disorders created an overwhelming amount of ANXIETY for him, my son and me.

World 3 – Me

And what has happened after a year and a half of growing anxieties and animosities is that, now that I have my own place, I have within that world time to belong to ME without the constancy of being on guard for my husband getting upset with my son for perceived problems. I have time to belong to me when my son is doing his world of part-time work, volunteering and spending time with a very select few safe friends.  I HAVE this down time – quiet time – for the first time in years.  I am finding it easier to cope with my anxieties about my son’s mental health, and my husband’s avoidance of dealing with it at all.  My insomnia has lessened (not gone) – especially when sleeping with my 40-year old teddy bear (don’t judge me!).

I have time to truly belong to me.

The thing that I know I will have to deal with at some point is trying to explain this to hubby.  With everything going on in my life, though I love my husband, and stand by my son, and work full-time, and try to remember not to forget my daughter with her own suitcase of chronic physical and mental health issues – I, FOR ONCE am not forgetting that I need to take care of me.  I need to, first and foremost, belong to me.

Without that, I would be utterly useless to anyone and everyone else.

I am more and more believing that we may be one of those couples whose existence is non-traditional – each with our own separate spaces with our lives intertwined.  This isn’t a situation where I want to be with anyone else, or am looking for anyone else – I am fighting for my emotional survival by taking the alone time to keep centered, and focused, on what I have to do.  I need the alone time. The meditative time.  The sanctuary time.

Is it possible?

Namaste – namaste, my friends – I honor you who know how to belong to yourself.

 

Itty Bitty

 

 

 

Let All Things Live With Loving Intent


The wheel continues to turn – another season is begun.  

Another time of new beginnings – how appropriate!

solstice

Namaste – I honor you – and wish you smooth turnings of your wheel.

Itty Bitty

Happy Yule! Hope In The Dark For Brighter Days Ahead


The time of the Winter Solstice is the time of the longest nights of the year. Darkness triumphs – and yet, gives way and changes into light. The breath of nature is suspended. I wait while within the earth, in the cold darkness, the sprouts of spring are transforming into the infant regrowth to come.

I envision the coming dawn, when Mother Earth gives birth to the divine Child Sun, who is the promise of the summer. I beckon the Sun from the womb of the night.  Mother Earth turns the wheel once more.

mother

Since Winter Solstice is a solar festival, I celebrate by fire and the use of the Yule log and candles, bringing light into the dark.

It is a time to let go of all fears, all doubts, all outworn ideas, all projects finished – anything in my life that holds me away from the new beginnings that will lead to new growth. It is a time to let go of the past and walk toward the light.

yuelog

On these longest nights, I renew and rebirth my body, mind and spirit self. I plant my seeds of intention for renewed focus, truth, love, friendship, prosperity (in its many forms) and health.  I send positive energy to those I love and for the same that they may find an easier path in the new year.

It has been a challenging 2013 for me, for the loves in my life, and for friends of all sorts – my wish for you and me is that we walk into 2014 with  hearts not so heavy and positive resolutions to the struggles we all face.  And that we find love and light, peace and contentment in the new year.

Namaste – I honor you – and you …. and you … and you!

Itty Bitty

Easter, Ostara, Passover?


EasterOstaraPassover .. by whatever name, this time of year marks the beginning of spring and the vitality that comes with it. A time of new beginnings, of resurrection, of liberation .. of warmer days and gentle rains … lengthening days and shortening nights. I love it! I personally celebrate a nature-based spiritual path – Ostara – which, for me, means a time of rebirth, of planting, of growing – of enjoying the warmer days and the opportunity to work in the earth.

I love watching the trees explode into umbrellas of green (overnight, it seems, at times), discovering the irises suddenly have tall stalks with their beautiful purple flowers reaching for the sun, and finding that the lilies are unfurling their beautiful white trumpets. And the gingers are peaking out and pushing their new growth stalks out of the still cold ground. Realizing the continuum and never-ending cycle of life is once again perpetuating is a comforting and joyful experience.

Last night hubby and I were resting after a day of him doing paperwork and I doing my beloved “clean up our tiny back yard and make it a livable space again after winter” adventure when we got a call from his daughter’s boyfriend asking about the “plan” for today. We had “planned” on dinner with the family about six – hubby’s son and daughter (and boyfriend) and my daughter and grandsons. “The normal family 8” as we have come to call it since we got married last December.

Boyfriend wondered if we would be interested in Easter picnicking at his parents paint ball facility about an hour out of town instead today – making a day of it – rather than dinner. Absolutely! The teenage grandsons have never been paint balling and have been wanting to go!

So began an unexpected evening packing up disposable tableware, tablecloths, slicing up the ham into a large casserole dish for simplifying heating in the solar oven at his parent’s house (I’ll make the scalloped potatoes this morning) … and deviling eggs:

Deviled Checkies
Deviled Chickies

I saw a picture somewhere this last week of these and had to try them! A REAL pain in the ARSE making them, but how fun! The daughters are bringing salad and dessert.

So off we go in a couple of hours – for a day out in the fresh spring air – for a family day. And isn’t that what it’s all about? Celebrating Mother Earth’s time of vitality growth? Growth in ourselves? We are also celebrating our little “growth” of joining together as a new blended family – something we are finding more joy in that we expected. Hubby is accepting and even enjoying his new “Grandpa Jeff” name, his daughter realized she and her brother are “Auntie Theresa” and “Uncle Jake” – my daughter and son laugh that they have another sister and brother (what does “step” mean, anyway?) and the grand things love that they have so many grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins …

And that paint ball thing? Haha! That should be fun! Last weekend it was roller coasters at Great America – this week shooting people with paint ball guns for the first time (for me) ….. I’m not sure this is what I expected to be doing at 61 … but I can, I am capable, I am doing something new and enjoying my life ….

So my question to you is …. How are you celebrating this season of rebirth, resurrection, liberation?

And, as always, Namaste … I honor you!