Shades of Grief -Divorce


Grief

A week ago I alluded to my amicable divorce.   It still is, we are in agreement on all things and will be doing a no response/uncontested action.  Taking care of business.  It’s a relief that my terms are not being questioned – though it’s simply whats yours is yours, what’s mine is mine.  But I am grateful that we are able to be calm, rational adults.

It is, none the less, the death of a dream – of a hope – of a partnership where we were to stand beside each other and face life’s challenges together.

I have, over the last week, found myself grieving the death of the dream. The death of the hope of finally having found someone who was committed to standing beside me as I dealt with the challenges of my world.  He just isn’t capable of understanding and embracing my life’s challenges.   That’s ok – I don’t hold it against him – I just need to move on and deal with them on my own.  It is a lot to ask someone.   I was just hopeful.

And so I grieve – and I know that as I process these feelings, as I have in the past with the death of my kids’s father 23  years ago, and the death of my parents, and the crash and burn and escape from a brainfart marriage to an alcoholic/addict that ended 9 years ago, I will find a place to tuck away the grief. And the love. And the memories. And even the hope.

And I will be stronger for it.

And I am content being alone – for it is much easier than being lonely with someone you had a dream with.

cropped-menjeff.jpg
Maui, 2011 ~  Thanks For The Dream, J.  Take care of you.

Namaste – I honor you who are grieving a loss.  Be kind to yourself, and take your time.

Itty Bitty

Hot Town … Summer In The City of Sacramento


Sacramento Summer is here .. with a vengeance.   It’s been pretty unseasonable so far – running just slightly above moderate temperatures, or below averages.  Not so much for the next two weeks!  It looks like out of the next 10 days, we’ll see 7 over 100 degrees. No rain in sight.

** All of the photos here are from various news sources.  I thank those anonymous sources for their bravery in providing the images. **

 I live about 2 miles from the 5th most critical reservoir in Northern/Central California.  It was in the news yesterday that by next year, it will be 96% empty if our drought continues.  This is what it looks like today:
What our reservoirs are  looking like ...
What our reservoirs are looking like …
With the heat consistently high day after day, the afternoon thunder storms in the mountains east of us develop quickly with intensity creating hundreds if not thousands of lightning strikes but little or no rain.  And with that, the barrage of lightning strikes in our beautiful forests have us at extremely high risk of wildfires.  They’ve already started – up and down the state.
Here are some vivid images of our current, on-going California wildfires ….
Beautiful Trees Gone
Beautiful Trees Gone
It’s not just the fires, it’s also the toll on our residents – the families that are forced to evacuate their homes, wondering if they have  homes to return to.  It’s about the firefighters who risk their lives.
Monster fires
Monster fires
My favorite corner in downtown Markleeville – I lived here for a year and a half and spent many a summer evenings under those pink flowers on the bench in front of the Cutthroat Saloon watching the world go by.
Highway 89 in downtown Markleeville -   Sat on the corner in front of the Cutthroat Saloon many a summer evenings.
Highway 89 in downtown Markleeville – Sat on the corner in front of the Cutthroat Saloon many a summer evenings.

There is currently a wildfire nearby Markleeville started by lightning strikes that has now burned over 17,000 acres and is less than 10% contained. A shift of wind could send the fire racing toward and through town.   I worry about the 165 residents (including the dogs I think) whose lifetimes are invested in this little mountain community, for the totally volunteer fire department made up of the towns people, and for CalFire, who day after day, year after year, do their very best to protect California from wildfires.

Please send messages to your higher power, whomever that may be, to bless California with rain!

Itty Bitty

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

California’s not pretty these day – she could use a big drink of water.  Please think good thoughts for us!

 

The Dregs of Apartment Living and Differing Points Of View


My son texted me on his way to work yesterday afternoon.   “Everything has been stolen out of my car. Nice.”  It was parked in a guest stall in our apartment complex.

Unfortunately he had a few more boxes of belongings to bring into our apartment from our move.  Unfortunately it was a lot of his clothes and his dress shoes, and all of his yearbooks from junior high and high school.

Maybe he will figure out it is important to be motivated enough to finish a task.  I bought him necessities this morning.  I am sad at the reinforcement that some people just don’t have any respect for other people’s belongings.  He is sad, even angry, as his yearbooks were a big part of what little he had left of his childhood.

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Had dinner with hubby, his daughter and son-in-law – it was nice to visit with them  – they know that I am not living there, she thinks it’s kind of weird, but understands.  Nice dinner – except that hubby had a little too much to drink and was a little sloshy.

About 9:30 pm I decided it was time for me to go. We talked briefly about plans for the weekend – tomorrow  he is spending time with his son and daughter for Father’s day – I am  doing my own chores for the weekend and pulling out the remaining few boxes of mine from storage so I can close it down – $100 a month is $ 100!

The concept that I have stuff in storage and that I didn’t have it in and about “our” house seemed disagreeable to hubby.  We obviously have differing ideas about his house being our house (a concept I don’t believe is true because of his attitudes when push comes to shove).  He told me I was hurting his feelings by not having all my stuff there.

He doesn’t understand that the residence is HIS house – with his things, and I simply do not feel there is enough space for me to have my things, my treasures, that represent my life.  It’s nothing personal, I certainly am not offended – there just isn’t room.   He says if I can’t be a “we” in “our house” then fuck me.  He doesn’t realize how often he tells me it’s his house – and his rules go.  Fuck me.

I would love to truly feel we are a “we” – but I don’t. He’s mad again at me.  He was inebriated again.  I don’t know what to say.

Yes, I am enjoying the peace and quiet.

Namaste – I honor you – and your peace and quiet.

Itty Bitty.

 

 

A Sanctuary In The Midst of A Crazy Week


So our move into our little apartment last Sunday was, though a long day, pretty painless for my son and me.  All the pre-arranging went off well.  It helped that we were not in a situation where we had to be completely out of somewhere by a deadline.

And husband, though on one hand, wanted to participate in the move as a show of support, as I anticipated found it awkward – so he busied himself with work, a nap and going to the bar.  Son and I (with the wonderful assistance of my nephew) managed to get done what was necessary.  Just one snarky bit was hubby telling my son that since all his stuff was out, he wanted my son’s key back as he didn’t need it any longer.  In my mind I wondered when he might want mine back.

This last week  was a crazy work at week on the heels of moving.  After the move on Sunday, Monday was spent at a golf course sponsoring a hole for a charity golf tournament hosted by  a meeting professionals’ organization I belong to.  7 am at the hotel to pick up jello shots – at the course by 8:15, set up and ready to go by 9 – and shot-gun tee off at 9:30.  18 foresome later, wine and hors d’oeuvres.  Met hubby for a drink (and to donate the left-over jello shots to our neighborhood bar for them to sell for their fund-raising efforts for an organization that trains companion/service dogs for veterans) – and then headed home to do a little grocery shopping and stop for the night.  Quick dinner of salami sandwiches and potato salad.

Tuesday was in the office catching up from being out Monday – and an annual gala dinner for the same meeting planner association – all day at work, then dinner – and home about 9:30 pm.  Exhausted.

Wednesday was an education day and trade show (I exhibited) all day from 7:30am to 6 pm – texted hubby to arrange picking up a TV for us to use – we met up for a quick cocktail and chat, then I headed home to make dinner for son – pork chops and angel hair pasta!

Yesterday our cable tv and internet was finally hooked up – while waiting for the tech to come I made good use of the time by doing some additional grocery shopping and bringing a few more boxes over.  Son and I made chili verdi and Spanish rice for dinner.

I hate to see my desk this morning and I know I have at least a dozen emails requiring action this morning for clients!

The first 3-4 nights son spent (after our daily adventures and dinner) with his friends who have been harboring him the last 6 months or so.  But the last few it appears he has been relaxing a little, hanging around in the evenings helping with getting settled.

I asked him if his anxiety levels from not being around hubby now were down at all  the other day – it happened to be his first post-divorce wedding anniversary day and he was not doing well emotionally.  He responded by saying he felt he is just existing right now.
So – our gentle ongoing conversation will be only he can make the changes in his life to move forward. I will support him in what he decides to do – but he must make the decisions.  Yesterday he seemed a little more engaged – and today he starts his 4-day run of working.

It kills me to see his sadness and emptiness on those days it consumes him.  But I am grateful we are close enough that he lets those feelings show and sometimes will even talk about them.

And back to hubby – I have been pleasantly (though guardedly) surprised by his outward acceptance of this necessary separation.  He has joined a bowling meet-up group so hopefully  he will socialize and participate.  Maybe even make friends!  We make a little time to spend together most days though he knows I will not be staying there.  Tonight because son is working I will go to his house for dinner – then come home.

Guardedly – I still wait for him to respond negatively.  If it goes smoothly for too long, I get worried – as is my life story. And I am honestly enjoying the peace and quiet of our little sanctuary – where I will insist on leaving the chaos at the door.

Here’s to Friday … with love ….

Namaste – I honor you all who are living life day to day and finding new paths.

Itty Bitty

Contentment, Clarity and Peace


I love what one of the earlier teachers of Buddhism said: “Do not believe what others tell you – not even the Buddha. See for yourself what brings contentment, clarity, and peace. That is the path for you to follow.”

 sand

I seem to have lost my way a bit … needing to find my path again.

Therapy starts next Thursday.

Itty Bitty

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Judgey McJudgerpants:


I could not have said it better! A must share and a must read!
Thank you to “The Beauty Of Being Boring”!

Kim Berube: Next Level Grow

I’m writing this letter as a reminder. 

Here are a few things you know to be true.

1) You spot it, you got it. It’s so much easier to pick out the flaws and imperfections of others. I’m not sure why you do it (habit? patterns? human nature?) but, I am reminding you that it isn’t the way you want to show up and live. You absolutely know that others are doing the best they can at any given moment – so, cut them some slack. Remember that you don’t like to be judged and that you choose to ‘give away’ all that you want to receive. And frankly, who says you’re doing it right?

Grant acceptance.
Be tolerant.
Overlook what you perceive.

And just meet people where they are.
It frees them.
And you.

2) If you judge people, you have no time to love them

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The Dreaded Phone Interview


The Interview – 11 am today

I hate phone interviews.  Well, interviews at all …. I’ve been so freeking fortunate over my life not to have to interview very often for jobs.  And at this age? It’s not any easier.

I especially dread answering the “on the spot” questions – “So tell me about a situation where you had a client that had a bad experience and you had to resolve it – how did you handle it?”  One of half a dozen similar questions.  The problem is that in working in the same industry for 40 years, you just DO these things – it is automatic.  Problems happen – you deal with them so as to make your client happy without giving away the store.

I sounded nervous to me.  I’m sure I sounded nervous to her.  And you can’t simply say, LOOK, I know I can do this damn job – blindfolded.  Wouldn’t that be nice?

I was told I would hear something probably by Wednesday – but lo and behold, 12:30 – an hour after the phone call I received an email that the property general manager and area director of sales want to meet with me Thursday at 3 pm …. big sigh. Yay!

Son

Son had an appointment with his probation person this morning – his second monthly visit since being assigned from North Carolina to California and getting into the system.  The visits are supposed to be monthly at this time, but she feels he is doing well, being compliant, and meeting all the terms of his probation, so doesn’t need to see him again for two months – that’s good.  I hope it made him feel a little better about himself.

I so worry about him – he is experiencing another episode of mania – manifesting itself in serious insomnia.  Tired body but the brain has no intention of sleeping.  His med Dr. is trying to find a cocktail of meds to balance him out a bit more – it’s a struggle.  But I’ve heard that before – from other people.  Damn anxiety and bi-polar disorders.   I understand it’s not just because he wants to stay awake all night – or that as he recently told me he can’t go to sleep without the light on – as hard as it is I try to accept it and help him best I can – making sure he wakes up when he finally goes to sleep in the early morning hours so that he makes it to WORK and his wellness classes on time.  Hubby gets upset that I wake him up (he’s a “big boy”, he should be able to get himself up – quit enabling him) … I don’t think I’m out of line.

So what started as a stressful day has, half way through, turned into a not so stressful day so far.  I guess it’s having faith …

Namaste, my friends – and don’t give up the faith.

Itty Bitty