Itty Bitty’s Moving

Hello my friends, I am in the process of transfering my blog to my new website – please check out the new website, and register there to continue following me while I’m in this strange time of transition!

With any luck within a week everything here will be there …

Thank you!

The Itty Bitty Boomer

Shades of Grief -Divorce


A week ago I alluded to my amicable divorce.   It still is, we are in agreement on all things and will be doing a no response/uncontested action.  Taking care of business.  It’s a relief that my terms are not being questioned – though it’s simply whats yours is yours, what’s mine is mine.  But I am grateful that we are able to be calm, rational adults.

It is, none the less, the death of a dream – of a hope – of a partnership where we were to stand beside each other and face life’s challenges together.

I have, over the last week, found myself grieving the death of the dream. The death of the hope of finally having found someone who was committed to standing beside me as I dealt with the challenges of my world.  He just isn’t capable of understanding and embracing my life’s challenges.   That’s ok – I don’t hold it against him – I just need to move on and deal with them on my own.  It is a lot to ask someone.   I was just hopeful.

And so I grieve – and I know that as I process these feelings, as I have in the past with the death of my kids’s father 23  years ago, and the death of my parents, and the crash and burn and escape from a brainfart marriage to an alcoholic/addict that ended 9 years ago, I will find a place to tuck away the grief. And the love. And the memories. And even the hope.

And I will be stronger for it.

And I am content being alone – for it is much easier than being lonely with someone you had a dream with.

Maui, 2011 ~  Thanks For The Dream, J.  Take care of you.

Namaste – I honor you who are grieving a loss.  Be kind to yourself, and take your time.

Itty Bitty

Happy Independence Day, My Daughter …

My Daughter
My Daughter

My daughter’s divorce is final today – yes, on July 4, 2013 – officially signed off by the local county superior court system.  Ironically, it is the date the ex insisted be on the paperwork.

All the ugly details don’t really matter – except to say that, after two years of marriage, she was strong enough to say “enough!” and walk away from what ended up being a physically and, more significantly, psychologically abusive marriage.

It took three years to finalize a very simple divorce for a variety of reasons (primarily because he was the only one that could possibly do it right) and wrongly filed papers (that he insisted on filing)  – but it’s all over now finally and he has gone away.  And, ultimately, as the plaintiff, the settlement went her way – she wanted nothing from him, nothing to tie her to him in any way – she just wanted him to go away.

She still struggles with the psychological injury – but is slowly learning to trust again and how to set boundaries.  Thank goodness she has always been strong enough to speak up when she needs to – that was part of the problem (if you would just …. I wouldn’t have to get mad at you…).  At least she is no longer saying “never again”, but is looking with wiser eyes.

Domestic violence, regardless of the “side of the fence” you are on – a woman being abused by a man, or a man being abused by a woman – is such a horrendous crime against humanity.  Abusers are the lowest form of life.  The worst kind of predators.

It was a privilege for me to be there for her when she was going through these times – and to help her break away from him.  I am a true mama bear – don’t ever think you will cause harm to my cubs – I may be 5 ft 1 in, but you even try to hurt my kids and you have me to deal with.  He has seen me in action.  He tried to harass her, but he, to this day, has never tried to approach me.  He avoids me like the plague.  Good call.  There is a line of people behind me if he ever in his lifetime decides to try to hurt her again. In any way.

But this is not about me – it is about my daughter being a survivor – and about her truly starting a new phase of her life independent of  the ex – on her personal independence day – July 4, 2013.

Namaste – I honor you, my daughter –  and I honor all of you surviving domestic violence.

Itty Bitty

The Committee Meeting

Sunday there was a committee meeting … all morning … in my head and in my gut.  I hate those committee meetings … what I call my style of anxiety attacks.  I couldn’t even figure out what triggered it … or what to do about it.  Thank Goddess the chairperson finally adjourned the meeting … somewhere along the line.

The agenda went something like this …

1) Is he upset about something and is waiting to talk to me about it?

2) Why won’t my son in New York call me back?  Is he upset with me?  Is there something wrong in his life that he can’t talk to me about?  Is his new job going ok? Are he and his wife having problems?

3) How can I help my daughter slow her own racing mind down?  Is she seeing her ex husband again? I know the creep wants back in her life.

4) Are we ever going to figure out what is going on with my 13-year old possibly autistic/bi-polar/schizo-something/oppositional defiance disorder grandson? Is he going to hurt himself or someone else?

5) What if I lose my job again?  How am I going to carry my share and help my daughter?  Why can’t I lose this 35 lbs I’ve gained over the last 4 years? I’m starting to feel like a failure again.

6) Am I doing enough to help hubby with his business? Am I keeping the house clean enough?

And on and on and on …

My reality is that it’s all “in my head” – life is good, I know the answers to most of these things I question about myself.  It’s just that every now and then I fall into a self-sabotaging mode.  And as I sat in the car on Sunday morning, anxiety gripping at my chest and gut – from somewhere deep inside came that voice … STOP!  Stop this insane meeting of all your insecurities.

1 & 6)   There was nothing going on with hubby – we were both a little tired and he was just quiet, waking up as we were driving a couple of hours away to do some jobs for his business.  I’d just spent Saturday doing domestic chores with his help … it’s all ok.

2)  I don’t have to talk to my son every week – they live in NYC, he is dealing with a new job (thank goodness they were unscathed by Hurricane Sandy so they are truly ok) – the time he and my daughter in law is limited so after jobs they are probably doing what we all do – being busy with their lives

3)  My daughter’s therapists are dealing with her medical issues – she is in good hands and I know in my heart regardless of how much her creep/abuser ex husband tries, he will never get back into her life.

4) There is an amazing team of mental health professionals working with my grandson, his school, my daughter and my grandson’s father to figure out what is going on in his head and how to best help him cope with life ….

My job is not to FIX 3 and 4, it is to be there to be there for them and cheer them on and to help in any way I can.

5)  If the owner of the venue where I’m working (and LOVING working)  decides to sell it (which he may…) I will be fine – I have a loving, supportive husband and all will be well. And I will lose the 30 lbs I need to lose.  I just need to get my head out of my “committee” and refocus.

Old habits/behaviours  die hard – I spent the greater part of my adult life believing that I have to be everything to everybody ….. fix everything …. take on full responsibility for everything/body.   We don’t have to do that, do we?

And the other thing I realized is that these Committee meetings?   I think I seriously need to get back to holding them here … getting all that stuff out of my head and onto “paper” as it were.  I know I’m not the only one dealing with these kind of issues.  Life is always ups and downs.  My problem is that when things stay “up” for too long, I start wondering when they will all fall “down” ….

Damn that Committee! And I’m happy to be back here –

Meeting adjourned …

Making Our Own Way … Alone … When We Have To

The subject has crossed my path more than once lately – about being “our age” and how we feel about being alone, starting over or not … and the process that goes with any of those options.   A good number of us (female and male) are alone for any number of reasons – through the death of a spouse, divorce, never having been in a relationship – the reason doesn’t matter.  The lessons we learn are more important on how to be alone successfully.  It took me being single for the first time in my adult life (when my husband passed away at the age of 41) and then voluntarily single after a disastrous re-marriage 5 years later.

Alone is not a dirty word – its learning that we can successfully (albeit reluctantly at times) be alone and be strong and take responsibility for our own happiness.  It’s understanding that we cannot rely on someone else to make us happy or that what others may offer us means what we would like it to.   And it’s ok to be alone.  As “boomers” – mature adults – in loving ourselves, in making our own happy, in fulfilling our own needs, we grow stronger and simply that much more capable of loving others.

I believe that lessons and people come to us when we need them (not when we want them) – and the following poem came to me a few years after my husband passed away. I kept it on my vanity mirror and read it daily.  After my divorce, I was packing up my life to move from my mom’s house (which had just sold following her passing the previous year) and it resurfaced again to remind me of the lesson … it’s been 4 years now and I read it often.  It reminds me that I know that, as much as I would like to think differently, I am the only person I can truly count on.  I need to figure out how to take care of myself at all times.  I need to love and nurture myself, and even give myself flowers and presents.

I don’t always like it … but, fact is, I know it’s true.  Anything else is frosting!  Perhaps you will find a lesson somewhere for you …

“You Learn”

“After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean possession
and company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn…”

 Veronica A. Shoffstall  :

Thank you, Veronica, for your wisdom and words … Namaste …