Itty Bitty’s Moving

Hello my friends, I am in the process of transfering my blog to my new website – please check out the new website, and register there to continue following me while I’m in this strange time of transition!

With any luck within a week everything here will be there …

Thank you!

The Itty Bitty Boomer

Mommy’s Advocacy, Inc.

Or it seems like that should be my profession …. at least this last week.

So I think we are settling down with the boy child’s needs – we have him enrolled in a MediCal managed health care plan and it should fall into place tomorrow. We will call so he can choose a primary care physician.  We also finally found a source for an interim script for his meds till he receives a referral to a psychiatrist for medication management for his bi-polar disorder. He got one of his meds yesterday and the other one today. We are hopeful that he has fond employment, albeit part time.  At least he will have some income to take care of his life and car insurance and his cell phone and a little left for spending money.

We moved forward this week with applying for SSI disability and engaged a friend’s son who is an attorney specializing in SSDI.  He’s giving us guidance at this point pro-bono, and if we get an initial denial he will step in and file an appeal for us.  If we don’t get a denial, he is kind enough to just help us through the process and review forms for completeness. Soon now hopefully we can get him in a program for his dual-diagnosis. One day at a time.  His mood seems to have stabilized a little and he is laughing a little more and showing affection.  Baby steps.

Take A Number ….

Last Friday my daughter was laid off her job of two and a half years due to the company she was employed by (and adored her job) experiencing financial difficulties.  She is also diagnosed with bipolar disorder, as well as being epileptic, OCD, ADD/ADHD, has fibromyalgia, and suffers migraines on a regular basis (especially during summer).

So my overlapping project has been helping HER apply for MediCal for her and my grandson, who has developmental disabilities and behavioral issues from oxygen deprivation at birth.  Their monthly medication bill is over $3000 a month without insurance, so it is critical that they get assistance while she is filing for unemployment and seeking employment (which she started doing the afternoon she was laid off)i

She is also filing for food stamps on a temporary basis.  Yes, we are helping her – subsidizing her rent while she forges forward.

Sheesh! I’m exhausted!  But I know my kiddos will be ok … we have always hung together and supported each other in times of need – now is no different.  And the old saying that when you think your life is crap, just look around.  that is so true this week.

And on top of it all …

Two weeks ago a close friend of hubby learned that his 24 year old son had been murdered in South Carolina – shot in the back of the head and left in an abandoned trailer.  The memorial service is this Saturday evening.  Love to you, Drew  – and may your afterlife be free of the pain of substance abuse. And much healing love to your parents.

Then a few days ago, a dear friend of mine lost his darling husband to cancer.  They were together almost 15 years, and married in 2008.  They were wonderful together – Rick and Shawn – one of the sweetest couples I know.  Shawn’s memorial is in three weeks.  I know you are soaring pain free with the Angels, Shawn – God speed.  And dear Ricky …. my heart is always with you.

Yet in spite of it all …

We have reconnected with some old friends, found laughter and joy, and continue forward with open hearts.  We will continue to encourage my son on a path of healthy and engaged living.  My daughter will survive her employment setback.  We will love and embrace our friends who are grieving ….

We will continue on this life, well ….. lived.

Namaste – I honor you – and me …. live well …

Itty Bitty








Being Loved For Yourself

“The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself.” Victor Hugo

How many of us spend our lives being who we are not? Being who others think we should be? Living up to other people’s expectations of who we should be?  It took me a long time to realize that is who I was – that person everyone else in my life expected me to be. The good daughter … the good wife … the perfect mother .. the exemplary employee … the nurturer, the fixer, the one always there to take care of whatever crisis was at hand ..  and Itty Bitty was, to put it mildly … exhausted and  confused and sad.  I was adored by everyone who’s expectations I so willingly met and at the same time feeling victimized ~ feeling that everyone took advantage of me.  I had no time for me, for what I wanted to do or be.

And then one night, somewhere around 1990, caught in a vortex of demands, I found myself sitting in the corner of our home entry hall, sobbing … A 40-ish year old woman crumpled in the corner feeling sorry for herself.  And that’s when the epiphany finally hit me …


In my quest to be perfect – the ultimate multitasker – I had completely forgotten, or pushed aside, the most important component of all .. ME! And I had forgotten that it was okay to say one very important huge word … NO! …  I started immediately … not to everything, of course, but to things I knew in my heart I really did not have to do – that others were capable of doing or calling on others to do for them.

I stopped letting my parents put me in the middle of their marriage/relationship issues.  They were both equally surprised … but understood eventually.

I stopped trying to do everything for my family and stopped feeling guilty if everything didn’t get done immediately.  If they needed something done that quickly and could do it themselves, they did … the kids whined … the husband grumped … but eventually the realized I was more relaxed and had more time to spend with them.

I started leaving work after 9 hours (who needs to work 10-12 hour days?) – actually delegating tasks to my staff – and stopped feeling that the place would fall apart if I wasn’t there … or that I was in jeopardy of losing my job (farthest thing from the truth) if I wasn’t always there.

Of course, I didn’t shirk away from my true responsibilities – I just stopped thinking I had to do it all.  And as the years went by, my husband passed away (and the grief subsided), and the kids moved on from home … and I was alone for, literally the first time in my life, I let me come fully out.

The happy, little bit hippy, music loving, nature celebrating, playful, silly, sensuous, professional, smart, authoritative, like it or not, me.  And I found that all those people who I was afraid of not meeting their expectations still loved me!  In fact …. they loved me more for who I really was …. and it amazed me.

Sometimes it’s just hard to let go of the fear of failure, the fear of disappointing others, the fear of not achieving what we think we should.  And the reality is … sometimes we will fail … we will disappoint others … we will not achieve all we think we should … and it’s okay …

And to love ourselves in spite of ourselves …

Namaste … I honor you … for who you really are!

Sometimes we look so far to find happiness ..

Sometimes we look so far to find happiness when we don’t even realize that happiness is in our hearts, waiting patiently to be released. ~ Anonymous

A  “Boomer” friend of mine has been searching for happiness for as long as I’ve known him (over 3 years) – maybe forever … he went through a bitter divorce some years ago. Then he found new love (in his tentative way) a few years later and two years into their relationship, she was diagnosed with stage 4 leukemia and pass away a few months later. When I met him, he was just reaching out from the loss of his sweetheart.  His relationship with his kids was rocky at best.  He was seeking “happiness” through a variety of destructive behaviors.  But there was a sadness and a sweetness about him that I could neither ignore nor resist.

Over the last few years I have watched him work through some very difficult times.  The common thread in his struggle has been searching for that which will make him happy – fulfill him.  He has a career that will shortly be providing him a reasonable retirement; has been financially responsible in providing for his & his children’s future; has a profitable home-based consulting business; owns a comfortable home – a comfortable life and future by anyone’s standards.  And yet he has spent a lifetime of searching for happiness … to be released from his emptiness.  I have seen a successful man who lacks social self confidence and is afraid of being vulnerable – as if allowing himself to “be happy” or to “surrender to love” will guarantee being hurt and abandoned again.  He has had no idea what a sweet and loving person he is, or what is “enough” … our friendship has been held at bay as “just friends” because if we are “just friends”, he could walk away if it got uncomfortable for him.

Lately he has been evolving daily in wonderful, positive ways – finally realizing that he has all the “things” he needs to be comfortable. He is becoming more comfortable and happy with himself, trusting his intuitions.  He is realizing he has the love of someone who accepts him for who he is with all his imperfections who is not going to hurt him.  He is opening up to the vulnerability of surrendering to love – to trusting someone else to care for his heart .. and that the comfort and contentedness and happiness he seeks is actually right under his nose and in his heart – just waiting patiently to be released.

Why do we so often search for something we feel is missing in our lives when in reality it is within us already?  If that which we seek we cannot find within, we will not find it without.  Looking inward is hard work – searching our selves for the answers we seek is work – but so much more rewarding than the endless seeking “out there” where no answers lie.  At any age.

I hope you find your happiness in your heart ….

Namaste …