Not a day goes by when I want to post here about something going on in my life. The problem is that I am always concerned about the anonymity of those about which I am compelled to write. So I don’t. And I don’t know why anyone would want to read about all my DRAMA! I get sick of it.
My existence continues in flux – all areas of it, it seems.
My little Villa has now closed after two years – the owner deciding to sell for personal reasons – so I spent the summer wrapping up the last of 8 or so weddings, the last one being November 1. That chapter of my life is now closed.
While I would love to develop my wedding planning & coordinating business as I have been toying with over the last 6 months to continue on in the wedding/special event industry, the reality is that my social security income (which I filed for in April) is just not enough to sustain me or allow me to feel productive and contributing to my home.
I have begun applying for hotel management positions once again. At 64, and in an industry full of youngsters, it will be challenging. One application (for which I was recommended) went totally unanswered.
A second application has resulted, at least, in a phone interview tomorrow with a corporate HR person. We shall see how it goes ….
And while trying to carry on with some semblance of a normal life, much of my time has been consumed with nudging my youngest (39) through the maze of recovering to the extent he can from a year and a half of a mixed-state manic/depressive bi-polar episode. He is working to pick up the pieces of a life fallen apart. He is dealing with probation as a result of a substance abuse issue he works daily to keep at bay. He engages 3-4 days a week with a wellness recovery program that deals with mental illness issues on a broad scale and works 3-4 days a week at a minimum wage job (restaurant server) after 10 years of earning $75-$90K a year. His anxiety levels and mania make it impossible for him to return to his former career path at this time.
As busy as he is, he doesn’t sleep many nights (mania) and efforts by his mental health support team to find the right “cocktail” of meds is a slow process. We know they are trying, and it IS proving a slow process.
And to make it all more challenging, my husband’s home-based environmental consulting business is at 60% of what it was last year, he is stressing about money, and for whatever reasons, he seems incapable of motivating himself to develop the diversification he wants to do to increase business.
In additions to his stresses about money, I was hopeful that he would be my rock emotionally to help me guide my son through his issues. It has become quite clear that hubby has no understanding (or willingness to learn, engage, show compassion) of mental illness – anxiety disorders – bipolar disorders – and how they affect individuals dealing with these. He sees a 39 year old male who used to earn big bucks, and must simply be mooching off of us, taking advantage of the situation and simply being lazy.
The arguments and frustrations on both our parts have at times made me wonder if I can stay in this marriage.
My son has never in his adult life asked for a thing from me, and been totally self-sufficient since he was 17 years old. Both he and my daughter (43) suffer from anxiety disorders and genetic pre-disposition to bi-polar disorder and he is in need of emotional (and yes, a little financial support if in no other way than a roof over his head and guaranteed food in his belly) while he finds his way.
My life once again is in flux as it is wont to do … and again I am feeling that old feeling of realizing I can truly count on no one but myself.
Maybe it’s just the changing seasons. Or the changing seasons of life.
Time for more reflection, introspection and setting a plan for the future.
Namaste and peace to all who are in the midst of change …