Itty Bitty’s Moving

Hello my friends, I am in the process of transfering my blog to my new website – please check out the new website, and register there to continue following me while I’m in this strange time of transition!

With any luck within a week everything here will be there …

Thank you!

The Itty Bitty Boomer

Rant Warning … Why can’t these guys keep their zippers up?

I’m not naive enough to say that women never do this, but the fact is that the VAST majority of people charged with sexual abuse (of any kind) against children are men. What is it with these men and their need for gratification at the expense of our children?  Their inability to control their impulses for instant gratification without thought to the effect on the child and their families … following their “little heads” around with total  disregard for the collateral damage forced on THEIR OWN families – their wives, their kids?

Never mind the “big coaches”  and other public figures … there have been at least four if not five or six more men “in the news” over the last week doing simply gross and despicable things to children.  I just don’t get it.  Pedophiles. I get nauseated every time I hear about yet another incident.

During another lifetime in 1983 .. 30 years ago .. my first husband (and my kid’s father) came to me one day in yet another deep depression (I now believe he was bi-polar though it was not something diagnosed in those days) and told me he had done something so bad he couldn’t even admit it to me.  A month later he was put on administrative leave from his position as a police officer for the purpose of an internal investigation of two counts of lewd acts against a child.  Our neighbor’s children. At that moment, when it all became public, our entire lives changed in a multitude of negative ways.

Our children were pulled out of their classes at their elementary school and questioned (without my knowledge or permission) about whether their father had touched them or if they knew anything about, or were a part of, what had transpired in our living room.  The social worker concluded that there was no reason to remove them from our home but was very clear with me that had there been any reason to believe they were involved that, unless I agreed to remove them from living with their father, they would have been removed from our home and put in protective custody.

Our neighbors stopped talking to us and, in fact, shunned us.  They would not let their children play with our children.  The other children taunted our children.  He was ultimately charged with 1 count of felony child abuse.  Part of the “bargain” to drop the other charge was him leaving the state.  When he moved to look for work, I moved with my children to the same apartment building my parents lived in and put our home (townhouse) on the market.  I went on an indefinite stress leave at the urging of my doctor.  What had been our home for 5 years sold quickly and we moved too.  My kids lost again because they were torn away from my parents, the only after school care they had ever known. My parents were devastated by the loss of their grandchildren and by the irreparable breach of trust by this man.

He was ultimately convicted and served one week in prison in a special “white collar/low risk” area – the kids never knew the real reason for his week away nor was “the situation” ever discussed with them because of his shame.  He got a license as a process server before his conviction – otherwise he would never have gotten it.  It was the only “job” he ever had after that.  His own business.  He lost the right to participate with his son in scouts or in any activity involving kids.  He was on unsupervised probation – but we couldn’t leave the state without checking in.  I never had any doubt that for him this was a one-time thing and was assured of this by his psychiatrist but our relationship and his relationship with his children suffered because of his own immense guilt and disappointment in himself.  His already low self esteem plummeted even further.  He had anger management issues … and was borderline physically and verbally abusive.
He died in 1992 of a heart attack. He wasn’t feeling well the day before but refused to go to the doctor.  He, in my mind, took his own life in a way by refusing to get medical attention.

Both of my children (now 36 and 40) have had lifetimes of emotional issues … my daughter got into drugs for a few years in high school, got herself out of it, but has fought addiction problems her whole life.  My son finally about 5 years ago started coming to terms with the questions about his dad and his growing up and has been in intensive therapy since.  Both are on mood stabilizers and antidepressants.

You men – you fathers, husbands, sons out there who think that inappropriate sexual gratification is going to fill that black hole in your soul … it’s not.  You destroy the lives of so many people by your unspeakable and despicable actions.

You ruin lives …. why can’t you just keep your freeking zippers up? Leave our children alone.

Recovering From The Hurts Of Morbid Obesity– Lessons from Cari …

I read with deep interest the blog of a fellow “WLS’er” – or weight loss surgery post op friend – this last week regarding healing from our hurts.  Any of our hurts … and how it isn’t an easy process … but a process it is.

My biggest life-long battle has been with morbid obesity.  I was, though overweight, not obese as a child or a teenager.  Morbid obesity became a part of my adult life.  We married in 1969 at the wise old ages of 18 (me) and 20 (him) and started our little family two years later in 1971 – the perfect little adorable family.  A year and a half later, he  initiated an affair with our 18 year old babysitter (who had been our neighbor at one time) that was to last 10 years.  Throughout his repeated promises that “it” was over, and my wanting to believe him, to threatening to leave him if it wasn’t over (I was not strong enough then to actually do it), my self esteem bottomed out and the weight gain started.  I knew (because he told me) I couldn’t compete with this little size 2 Filipina and gave up trying.  And yet when I would threaten to leave him, he would tell me that I was so fat no one else would want me. I weighted 180 lbs … was he right?  Or he would tell me that he couldn’t live without me, that we (the kids and I) meant more than anything in the world.  Retrospectively, we are sure he was likely bi-polar or manic/depressive …. it just wasn’t diagnosed as such then. We were together for 23 years … the last 20 filled with periods of esteem-killing verbal and psychological abuse … I stayed because I thought it was best for our family.  And I continued to gain weight. He died in 1992 of a massive heart attack … a friend, in a late night check-in call that night to see how I was doing, asked me if it wasn’t in some way a relief that the abuse was finally over.  I knew he was right –

I remarried in 1997 – to a man who had a history of substance abuse (pot & alcohol).   My justification was that I was desperately tired of being alone and desperately wanting to be part of a couple again but there is no earthly reason why I should have married #2.   His self esteem was lower than mine and his way of dealing with life was fight or flight. Our years together alternated between fighting and his threats to “split the sheets” and him blaming me for all the things that were wrong in his life . When I told him maybe we should “split the sheets”, because he obviously wasn’t happy, he said me, “You’re so fat, who else would want you”.    I weighed 225 lbs (and I’m  5’1” on a good day) – was he right?  Another co-dependent relationship built around verbal and emotional abuse.

I had gastric bypass surgery  in June of 2005 and lost 90 lbs.  I did it for me and me alone. I went from a size 22 to a size 8.  The abuse didn’t stop, the fights did’t stop – but I knew the situation had to change for me to stay sane.  When his friends told him (because they knew the way he was) he better shape up or he was going to lose me, my successful weight loss became the reason our marriage wasn’t working – that I’d changed.  Maybe that’s right … maybe I just finally got tired of being the victim.  Life changed.

My point in all of this is that recovering from morbid obesity is as much recovering from the hurts as it is from overeating. Of letting our hurts heal.  I have healed from the hurts I allowed from the men in my life who were so insecure with themselves that trying to control me by verbal and psychological abuse was all they knew how to do.  I have healed from the boss that blatantly told me I was not the image he was looking for to fill a particular position (a promotion I applied for based on my skills) and if he considered me for it would I be willing to spend 1/2 of my first check on new clothes (5 years later after my surgery and weight loss he did not recognize me and actually flirted with me …)  I have healed from the doctor who shamed me to tears for being obese and being an embarassment to my husband.  I am STILL healing from feeling that perhaps I am “not enough” or “good enough” … but I am working on it.  I am always working on knowing and accepting that I am enough … and loving myself and trusting myself and my intuition.

Recovering from obesity is much like recovering from any addiction – the battle is never done or over.  Over the last 3 years I have regained 25 of the 90 pounds that I lost.  I could fall easily into blame and self-hatred and beat myself up for failing again … but I do not think I’ve failed. And the more I keep myself in that mindset … the easier it is for me to keep on track to dump the pounds picked up.

Healing … an ongoing process.

I want to thank Cari De La Cruz for her willingness to share her ongoing journey – and I am pleased to share a link to her blog for you to peruse if you’d like – I know she’d like you to!

Bariatric Afterlife  By Cari

My Before & Afters:

Before Gramaree

February 2005 – Waikiki                                                     March 2006

Grandson’s Birthday Party

MeAndMoNYE Crop

September, 2007                                                        NYE December, 2010

40th Class Reunion w/Daughter                               (sorry not so clear!)